Snow days are never as productive as I’d like them to be. I use whatever free time I have to remain caught up in web of my own thoughts, struggling to untangle myself. I like to use this fuel to write, because a floating thought is intangible, but anything on paper can be rewritten.
Do you ever spend too much time thinking about the what ifs? It’s hard not to, especially when you’re thinking about an ex. What if I never had doubts? What if we had gotten married? There are many aspects in which I was sure that he was the one. You can’t picture the sort of attachment we had towards each other, the sex, the all around high of just being together. We had that 16 year old, first love euphoria and I couldn’t imagine ever being that addicted again.
Nevertheless, after years and years I had a single doubt… and then another… until the addiction made me feel like I had overdosed on reasons of uncertainty. Something was missing and to this day I’m still not sure what it was. They say you don’t have to have a specific reason, when you feel it’s not right it’s just not right. Maybe it just wasn’t right for the time, or maybe it will never be right.
Then there are days when I feel like I’ll never have someone who cares about me the way he did. Someone who I felt would always want me and would never leave me… but then I remember that’s ridiculous. I left him and that is a two way road. If I was feeling this way, there is no guarantee he wouldn’t have felt the same if we had gone all the way to the alter.
When I take a moment to untangle my thoughts and sort them out onto a piece of paper, my head feels better, my heart feels lighter. I don’t know why I chose today to write about him, but I really should have done it sooner. I’ve been repressing a lot of guilt, and whether or not writing helped me answer any of those earlier questions, at least I can say I am no longer trapped by the weight of my own persistent and completely pointless what ifs.