Journal Entry #21

                     ~The Summer Fling~

I’m actually a guy. I must be, I’m an emotionless heartbreaker who sleeps well at night. I heard the words “I love you” from two men last week, first from the lips of the man I love and second off the tongue of the man I lust.

Who do you think I chose?

Obviously the man I love. Mark, the man whose been with me for the best years of my life. The one whose given me everything and then some. The person I then hurt because I wanted to explore other people. Yes, you heard me right.

For the last month I’ve been on and off with a guy whose been my soul mate for almost 4 years. So what happened? He’s been with me for half my teenage life… And now I’m 20 years old. So is this it? Is this all life has to offer? Might as well kick off my heals, tuck away my youth and patiently wait for that wedding ring.

Wait.

I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. I don’t want to know what’s ahead, I’m only 20 years old. I can’t be in a long term relationship at this age. This is the time to flirt, meet new people, explore myself a bit more.

These were thoughts I had going through my head at the beginning of June when I cut it off with my high school sweetheart.

I then started a summer fling with Chris, my boss at work. He liked me from day one, tossing around compliments and giving me more hours. I called him chief and he called me co-chief. It was fun, innocent, and I melted for the way he looked at me.

Everything was going smoothly, except the guilt I was feeling for crushing the love of my life for the lust of the summer. I knew what I was doing to him, tearing his heart out for seemingly no reason. I knew I had to fix things, after all, I never stopped loving him. I didn’t want anything with my boss. I knew I didn’t feel anything more than attraction for him. So I ended it with Chris.

There was just one problem, Chris had fallen in love with me. The day I ended it he spat hurtful words, cried for me, hated me. He threatened to quit his job, I told him he was crazy. He said things would be different between us. He would never smile again. But after all that, he told me he loved me. He told me no one would love me like he does. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t say anything. I knew Mark was the one.

So this is the story of how I broke two hearts within a single summer. Correction… A single month. I didn’t take Chris back. How could I? He was only suppose to be a fling. I don’t love him, nor could I ever.

I love Mark.

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9 thoughts on “Journal Entry #21

  1. I can only say something with last piece of this post. I am not quite sure to say whether it’s a good thing happen with chris or not but anyway things are clear for him now although he faced those harsh moments of life despite loving you so much.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Angela,
    There is often in modern culture a misunderstanding of love. And in that misunderstanding lies much confusion. The liking of another is expressed in feelings, governed by emotions that come and go. A solid relationship cannot be founded on such an insecure foundation.

    Love is a choice, an act of one’s will. It is not found in the icing on a piece of cake, but rather in the substance within the cake. Love requires sacrifice. Feelings do not. And in a relationship when we look to our needs first the other must sacrifice theirs.

    The only way to love something is to realize that it might be lost.-G.K. Chesterton

    -Alan

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I think you made the right choice. From what I’ve read here, it sounds like Chris was kind of obsessive with you. Seriously, I really hope that no one loves you like he does.

    Good luck with your sweetheart. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. JMD398 says:

    Sounds like you had quite the experience. They say the experiences that we gain through life is to prepare us for something greater. I dont mean to come off as a parent, but if you could indulge my curiousity, did you learn anything from this experience, or was it simply you giving in to desires because of your youth?

    Liked by 1 person

      • JMD398 says:

        Good lessons, I’m a bit of an optimist I think there is always something better even if we don’t see it, but that sounds totally aggressive when applied to different situations

        Liked by 1 person

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