Journal Entry #3

~I’m Fine. I Will Be~

I don’t feel unloved, or unwanted. I don’t feel like there is anything wrong with me. I don’t believe I’m missing out on something amazing and I don’t think fitting in is the most important thing in the world.

Last week was “rush week.” I showed up all three nights, put on my biggest smile and dressed in the sharpest outfits. I was confident, poised and conversational. There was no reason to shut me out, but that’s exactly what happened. I didn’t get a bid, not for the sorority that I wanted and not for any of the ones that I didn’t.

“Who cares?” I thought to myself. I’m more of a hipster than a bitch anyway. I’m a writer, an artist. I never thought of myself as a preppy sorority girl.

The thing is, I did care. I cared a lot. It was an ego thing, and I did feel unloved and unwanted. “Am I really that unlikable?”

I always knew I was a little different. I say what I think and I do what I want. I don’t like Kim Kardashian and I laugh like a hyena. I would rather sit home and write my book than pay $350 a semester for fake friends.

That may have had something to do with it all, I suppose. Sorority girls want others who look, dress, act like them. Looking back, I don’t even know why I wanted it. Because I wanted to get off my lazy butt and do something with my life, because I thought this was the way to do it.

I’m ok now. I believe in myself, and I love myself. I love my friends and my family. They love me too, I think.

I just feel sorry that they missed out on having such a valuable alumni. Because when I become a famous author/actress, I’m going to acknowledge this moment as a happy one, even if I’m not actually happy just yet.

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25 thoughts on “Journal Entry #3

  1. Go girl, I admire your courage. And yes it does take courage to share your disappointing experience and to hang out your feelings about it all like this. I doubt any of those sorority girls would be so courageous. People with a strong need to “belong” are not usually known for their courage. I’m not sure how sororities work, but I imagine they are like big organized cliques. In that case, you probably neglected to do the prerequisite playing of politics and “sucking up” to the powers that be. In any case, count it as a blessing that you were rejected. You don’t want to be like them. And yes, it would have become necessary for you to become like them in order to fit in. That requires a lot of conformity. I don’t think you are cut out for such as that. I think you are the kind who will cherish and protect your independence always. Again I say, go girl!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my dear – you haven’t understood yet. You are an artist and therefore you do not fit in with the “herd”. You need to decide if you really want to fit in with them. The bottom line is 10 years from now – the situation you described will have no importance in your life. You have 2 choices:

    1. Accept you are different and very special and learn to enjoy who you are and accept that you will be alone most of the time. I like my own company and I never had an issue with being alone – but it is an acquired ability.

    2. Adopt a persona that you project when you are out and about (cheerful and a bit stupid tends to work – non-threatening). Keep your personal ideas and gifts to yourself. Guard your privacy at all times and only tell people what they need to know.

    You may meet some people who understand your artistic nature but not very many. In the meantime grow your art and use your disappointments as inspiration. Be thankful for your gift. and don’t let your ego make you miserable.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. nydia says:

    I love how unique you are just in that you are willing to share your feelings creatively (and beautifully), and that you know who you are. Way to push through this with even greater self-awareness. The strength you get from this will get you to the other side of a lot of challenges. That will take you a long way, girl. Besides, from everything of yours that I’ve read, it seems you’re a leader, not a follower.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Absolutely! Well said. Being a leader type isn’t what you think it is, but can be a real tough call till you figure out your ‘special’ talents…in the mean-time (mean time! ha!) you will have to put up with this kind of silly short sighted behaviour that sheep exhibit when presented with something a little bit more different than they can handle!! 😉 Hang in there and welcome to black sheep world. It’s where all the best people are…just remain compassionate towards the sheep…they need you! x

      Liked by 2 people

  4. nickp1991 says:

    It’s their loss, not yours! Well done for believing in yourself and knowing who you are. Too many people are frightened to be themselves, so your confidence is to be admired.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. nnc1227 says:

    You are very special. Those sororities are missing out on an amazing person. It was meant to be if you didn’t get in. When you become a famous actress/writer then they will realize what they are missing out on. Keep your head up. XO.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. We don’t have Greek life at my school and I really can’t imagine what it would be like. I know some people love it, but I know it wouldn’t be for me. I would never dream of joining a sorority, even if there was one to join here.

    I do understand your need to feel loved, to feel wanted, though. In the, end it’s probably for the best. Hopefully, one of these days something better will come along, something that will make you glad you didn’t end up getting picked to go Greek after all. 🙂

    It kind of reminds me of elementary school gym and picking teams. If that’s how this Greek life thing starts out, I wouldn’t want to be a part of it anyways.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Mzarky ;) says:

    I’m so glad you feel that way. You should not be sad about not getting in at all. If anything, it should inspire you to be even better, with or without sororities. You are a beautiful, smart person and you do not need a sorority to prove that. You go girl!
    P.S.- Your writing is on point! keep up the awesome work!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. It’s not for everybody or even most people. Some thrive on the closeness of a group and the friendships last for a lifetime. But over my career I worked with many grads who made out just fine without the experience or the connections. You will discover that you will form your own “family” group and they will provide you with nearly the same interactions and maybe more than an organized sorority would and YOU get to make the rules. Put your energy into LEARNING all you can and preparing for life beyond college. That’s where it will count.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Matthew James says:

    I really don’t know how to respond yet I feel like I must comment, only because I can relate to your feelings. The feeling of not being accepted, The justifying of why it doesn’t matter, when it does matter, Then the steps of grief we go through until we come to the true realization that it really doesn’t matter. That we are better where we are, as we truly are, rather than spending the next year pretending to be what we are not.

    Okay, I will give you the flowery stuff that I feel sincerely in my heart. From your expressions on your blog, you are wonderful person and, you are right, it is they who are missing out. I know you will be everything you are striving to be in this life and you will be good, not because you pretend to be someone else. You will succeed in your dreams because of who you truly are.

    Liked by 1 person

      • Matthew James says:

        Angela, you are one of the sweet spirits in world who make the world a more beautiful place to live in. Many in the world like to cast aside the sweet spirits of the world, so they can continue their masterpiece of ugliness. This is where a**holes (I can’t even blatantly cuss on your blog :)) like me step in and tell the world to f*** off so the beautiful spirits of the world can do what they were meant to do and make the world a better place.

        I know you will make the world a better place. I know that you will touch many people in a positive way, making their lives better. If there were more people like you in the world then there wouldn’t be a need for a**holes like me and we would all live in harmony.

        Hopefully you understand what I am saying.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. Sarah says:

    Thanks for the like! Anyways, writing for me is always easier alone, and I’m a solitary person. I’m not against the concept of sororities, but I wouldn’t join one.

    Liked by 1 person

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