Snippet #4

Twelve Years Later

We live in a small, four-sided stone home with a couch, three bedrooms, and a kitchen that’s never been touched. Food is not something commoners like us waste our time with, but as huntsmen we take pride in killing it. Our doll-sized castle, as dad calls it, is a cookie-cutter replica of every other stone-built home in Huntsman Square. Nevertheless, I shouldn’t be complaining. Our cottage is one of five with the addition of a third bedroom and a kitchen. This luxury is purely because of dad’s rank as an Alpha hunter, but they don’t pay us anymore than a Beta or a Gamma, so who cares?

I peak out the window of my bedroom to gaze at miles of clover-green flat land and a few dusty mountains in the distance. It could have been a beautiful picture, in another world.

Regardless of its isolation, I’m fond of our little corner of the compound. The South Gate is our backyard. It uncovers the woods where we hunt, and allows us the luxury of crisp, clean air. Still, I wonder if that’s such a good thing. It’s mind numbing to be away from it all.

I let out a sigh that fogs the glass. I mop the white circle with my elbow and fall back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.

I only visited the inner city once, and that was a long time ago. It was filled with mammoth sized buildings and streets made of metal. There were highways that traveled over your head and shook the ground under your feet. It was much different from our little hunting village on the border, but this is where we must live. Those who are rich enough live in the center of Abdo, while the rest of us, the majority of us, live in the surrounding communities.

Eek!

I lose my train of thought.


I hope this snippet is as good as the others, because I received a surprising amount of positive feedback from the first three. Let me know if I’ve fallen short, or if I hit the nail on the head. Both negative and positive feedback appreciated!

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16 thoughts on “Snippet #4

  1. Imani says:

    “I let out a sigh that fogs the glass. I mop the white circle with my elbow and fall back onto the bed, staring at the ceiling.” This sounds beautiful. Lots of imagery…I love that.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dhammic Writer says:

    I think you’ve set up an interesting premise for a story. Is this just your first draft? If so, I’d be reluctant to share a first draft so openly. When I’m writing, for the first draft I just try to get the story down. Once I’ve got the story down, then I go back and do all the nit-picking stuff which is what the second draft is for.

    My fear is that if you start listening to the nit-picking too early it might hinder the creativity of your story.

    Like

    • I have thought about that, and you make a very good point. My snippets are just for feedback, since I posted my first one I have gone back and made changes on my actual draft. This is why some of the future snippets may be missing info or have changed info, but I really just enjoy the motivation that it gives me and also the critique.

      Like

  3. Makes me curious. Who is this? Age? Boy or girl? Safe or in danger? All good things that bring the reader into the story. But hunters don’t “catch”. A hunter or a hunter’s family would not use that term. Hunters “take” game, hunters “kill” animals, hunters “get” a rabbit or grouse or deer. Hunters also don’t hunt “food”, they take or kill or get meat. Possibly harsh or distasteful terminology to non hunters but more accurate to that group.

    I was a hunter’s kid and became a hunter as I grew up. Now I only hunt with a camera but write about it in my fiction. Waiting for the next snippet.

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  4. I love your style. Fresh and evocative. Do you type them in word or other wordprocessing softwares first? That might help you catch errors before you post. My son (http://viyanpoonamallee.com/) has been an active blogger for two years. He actually uses the text to speech option on Pages to edit. Which I think is a pretty cool idea. I think he would love your writing too.

    Like

    • First, thank you for your feedback! Second, yes I do use word. However, I’ve always been a terrible speller. I will always look over my paper to double check, but I do tend to miss a few words here and there. If you spot any other errors you can let me know! Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Will do but terrible spelling does not matter. You can always get a professional editor looking at it. But your voice is good. I like that. And I really like the idea of snippets. I need to go back and read from the beginning 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Like vhayle, I’ll have to say this genre isn’t my cup of tea. I’m one of those folks who likes investigative journalism and stories that aren’t exactly fantasy. But your attention to detail constructs a charming background, and you write in a way that gives me broader insight into the thoughts and attitudes of your character. I enjoyed this snippet.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. vhayle says:

    Angela, I think you write beautifully. I have to say I’m not a fan of any genre that is not ‘realistic’ so the actual content of your snippets doesn’t especially attract me, but, in saying that, I’m extremely drawn to them (especially #1) by your descriptive, highly evocative style. More snippets please 😍

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Dave S. Koster says:

    Just a nit-picky note, you used waist instead of waste in the first paragraph. One of those wonderful mis-keys a spell check won’t get.

    Like

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