Snippet #3

“Come on, Dad, charge up!”

“I can’t, we have to liquefy it.” He grabs his spear and our kill for the day, a few rabbits and a beaver, nothing special.

My father looks at me now, but not with the same glare of pride. “Playing with water, hmm?”

How did he know?

“Your eyelashes are sparkling.”

I look down; my cheeks are as red as the leaves. I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t. I look to the sky for help, but the birds even seem to turn away. “Am… am I in trouble?”

He scratches his beard.

“You are a daring little six year old, taking after your old man.”

I take it as a compliment.

We sprint back to the border where we exchange our hunt for Charge. My father unfolds his sleeve for the syringe to penetrate his wrist. I watch the golden liquid course through his veins, it runs underneath the light hairs peaking out of his arm. “Beep.” He is granted eighteen percent, eighteen for a family of five. I open my mouth to scream at the guard, to make him pay us more. My father holds me back with a cautionary look, his blue eyes are stone cold.

I glare at the guard on the way through the doors, until he catches my eye. “Shoot,” I mutter as I wipe my lashes.

He saw the droplets.


This snippet marks the end of my prologue. Now we get into the real story. Again, let me know if you guys have any comments, questions or suggestions. I don’t live in fear of critique.

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8 thoughts on “Snippet #3

  1. Hi there.

    I read snippet 1-3 and like your mysterious setting very much. I’m not yet sure if they’re robots, or some kind of organic post-humans, or just humans with implants, but that’s the mystery 🙂

    I like you’re general lack of dialogue tags; the voices are easily differentiated. That said, two lines of dialogue give me pause. The first is the short block in which the father explains ‘Nolanite.’ It feels a bit too flatly expositiony and might be data perfectly fit for later introduction. The second:

    “You are a daring little six year old, taking after your old man.”

    It seems a little bit too formal for the rest of the text.

    Your description of the river in snippet 1 was both clear-cut and visceral, and “red as the leaves” made me smile.

    Though it might seem like a blatant plug. I’d be interested in your thoughts on my own post-human short:

    http://theosofiction.wordpress.com/2014/02/20/date-night-in-the-greater-metro/

    If you feel inclined/get-the-chance.

    KECG

    Like

    • I read your post! I think it’s very interesting and I like your writing style. Thanks for the critique by the way, you’re the first person! Also, “Theosofiction” … “God of fiction?” I only ask because I speak Greek and Theos means God.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks for reading 🙂 I’m glad you liked it.

        As to “Theosofiction,” not quite, though it’s very neat that you speak Greek. It’s a play on Medieval Theosophy, and a portmanteau. So, something more like ‘fiction about the esoteric pursuit of God,’ but I mean it mostly in jest.

        Liked by 1 person

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